"Fuck This Shit" An Autobiography for Riot Grrls #2
copyright (c) 1996 by Annalee Newitz
they are coming to chop off her head
or is it
to blast a hole in her belly
approximately two feet high and one foot wide
(just about covering the entire area between her neck, arms, and womb)
I want to ask you over and over
who implanted this image in me
of the head spinning off my neck in a cinematic, slow motion paint stroke
of blood
or the big guns
blasting my guts clean out
what is the quickest way --
in language --
to get from the shame at point A
to soundless nothing at point B?
you'll probably titter when I tell about it
and really when I describe violence it's supposed to be funny
because I'm being ironic
you know how people get shot on freeways in L.A.? well,
once a man tried to shoot my car with a harpoon
in Orange County, CA on the I-5
it was like Captain Ahab and the great white Chevy Impala
what does not get mouthed in my dark joke
are the hugeness and fear that hung inside my car like clothes you take
on some long trip
and how I could never drive properly
so that when I tried to merge on the freeway I always seemed to cut people
off
or go too slowly
then one day
someone (for good reason) got really mad and shot me
each time I remember I shiver
and cover my face when I am sure no one can see me
grimacing and pushing red light into my eyes with my hands
it is as if this is the final proof of who I really am
a girl who cannot master her own fucking car
who swerves and parks badly forever
like an idiot
please
whoever or whatever you are that did this to me
lock me into the sight of your incoherent rage
my body blasted apart by battle
is better than this
embarrassed and pathetic sob
1/18/96
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