"Fuck This Shit" An Autobiography For Riot Grrls #10
copyright (c) 1996 by Annalee Newitz
usually when the light flattens over hills
and at that moment--when I remember not getting it--
I can reassure myself repeatedly
because who knows what they really mean? it could have been utopia
but today in my window the houses emerge from the red trees and the green
trees
the air continues to be enjoyable and it probably always will be in
fall
what I have lost still has a place here
it reminds me of looking through shards
of dark beer bottle glass smoothed into clear stones at the beach
when I was too young to get the idea that beer bottles were somebody's
litter
I feel fallen, jealous of the future time I've lost,
the ultimate litter of those early days
it's better now that you understand everything and can protect
yourself
you don't have to rely on some random adult for information
but I still miss it, still get angry that I had to swap a ticket back for
these surreal memories
of my moving, unalienated girl legs in the hot sand
on the slope warped by beer bottle light
and I think I can imagine one small space (right now it's just a few
inches by a few inches)
where I might walk through actual crunchy streets
with the legs I have right now
the trick is balancing above it, knowing about the light and the
litter
not overcrowding the future with one memory and neglecting another
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